i screwed up

i screwed up BIG time w/egg. and i only call him that cause i dont think he wants me sayin his name (even though i think everyone knows who he is). see, after reading those e-mails i sent him, he thinks i'm some sort of psycho, you know? i just had one outburst though, i mean...its weird that he cant just 4get about it and just think about all the times that i wasnt being psychotic. but ... the thing i hate most about him not liking me anymore, is that theres nobody to blame 4 it. im the one that screwed up....and i hate that i cants just pin all the responsability on someone else. i mean, yea...hes 3 years older than me...but i thought he didnt care about that. i just...wish he could understand that i would do ANYTHING just to go back to how we were before those e-mails!! i would do.....ANYTHING to prove to him that i AM who he thought i was. i AM!!! ...and none of this woulda happened if i wasnt in frickin utah! I HATE THIS PLACE! its makin me crazy and that caused me to be upset which caused me to take something egg said WAY too personally and "explode". *sigh* i just...wanna go back 2 how things were and i want him to give me another chance....cause i mean, the things i said to him were INSANE..but i didnt mean any of them!!! i wish he could understand that and just let things be back 2 normal. i miss him liking me, i miss not thinking that maybe i am psycho (cause trust me..i'm not)! egg, if ur reading this, please take wat i'm saying in to consideration cause you have NO clue how sincere all these words are! i miss you. i know ur not really gone but ... i miss you liking me and i miss us being able to just joke around and stuff, i miss thinking that maybe we could have something and i miss you actually believing in wat we could have. i KNOW wat i said was WRONG and out of line!! but i swear to you on everything that i've ever known and loved...I DIDNT MEAN ANY OF IT! ...please...e-mail me, we can talk about it, please. i know i sound pathetic, but this is how it is!! i flushed all my other relationships away cause i thought u were the next big thing, you have people that you can go to, you have other girls...but i have no one to fall back on, does that make sense? i dont have anyone left. give me another chance, i only screwed up once...so, just remember all the times i wasnt screwing up...you DO know who i am, no matter how hard it is to remember me. well, i have 2 get going...this is probably 2 long anywayz. ~later days~